Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day - Trial By Fire

So far this first mother's day has sucked.  I have been so depressed and run down lately.  I'm not sleeping, I had to go to the ER a few nights ago via ambulance {that was an experience...}, and Little Bit is getting crankier and crankier every day {likely from teething}.  We didn't get to celebrate my birthday because first I got sick, then DH got called into work for a 24 hour shift.  He'll be sleeping much of today to recover so there go our plans.

So here I was last night, alone, thinking about how awful it is going to be when my hubby deploys for the first time {which is right around the corner by the way}.  I fed LB and he fell asleep in his swing so I left him there when I went to bed.  I laid awake for several hours, wrote in my journal {which didn't really help}, called DH {which also didn't help because he was of course working and couldn't chat for long} and eventually fell asleep out of exhaustion... only to be woken up a couple hours later by a screaming baby.  I tried to give him his paci and get him back to sleep but he wouldn't go.  He cried off and on {read: too frequent and not long enough for me to fall back asleep} for three hours.  Finally I gave up and made him a bottle.  Just as I went to give it to him he was calming down, but by that time I was so tired and, truthfully, angry that I unwrapped him {kinda roughly} which of course startled him and launched a whole new scream.  I picked him up, put him in his bouncy chair, gave him is bottle {yes, at 3 am I propped the stupid bottle} and laid down.  I instantly felt guilty for having been so rough and angry with him.  He was only hungry after all... but I don't want him getting in the habit of eating in the middle of the night.  He never has but then when he was sick we had to feed him around the clock to keep him hydrated... now I am afraid he got used to it.

It's just been a crappy day so far.  I am about to load him up in the car and head to church.  I am actually looking forward to dropping him off in the nursery for a couple hours while I listen to the sermon and relax.  I feel bad saying that, but I also know moms need a break and boy do I need one today.  I would leave him home but DH needs his sleep after that surprise 24 hour shift.  I really hope the sermon fills me and inspires me to keep going and be a better mom despite my depression and exhaustion.  Hopefully this afternoon will be better than this morning.  I know I'm jinxing myself... but I am not sure how it could be worse.  We'll just have to wait and see.  I'll be faking a smile today... hoping it will turn into a real one soon.  At least when I get home we finally get to eat my birthday cake which means I get to make my wish.
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