Sunday, May 16, 2010

Mental Update

Today is okay.  Yesterday was fairly bad.  Tomorrow I have no idea but I will attempt to make it good.  Here are some things I've been thinking about these last couple days:

  • my cancer gene testing {it is in the approval process right now}
  • DH's upcoming deployment and whether I am going to stay or go to my parents'
  • opening up some scabs in therapy about my need to be good at something {post about that coming soon}
  • discussions about my various fears and working through those thoughts
  • Little Bit has been a lot crankier lately and not napping well - crying the majority of the day {likely from teething}
  • dealing with the house still being a complete mess and needing to unpack but not having the energy
  • my growing depression
  • severe chest and back pain from indigestion {happened the last two nights and kept me up all night}
Thoughts and Ideas to Ponder
  • What if I am defining myself by my "to-do list"?  When I've finished everything, then what will I do?  Who will I be?
  • When I am no longer cluttered and spastic about life and home, who will I be?  Will I suddenly be bored and have nothing to do other than the monotonous daily activities?
  • My mom told me indirectly through her actions and words that I was never good enough.  {Post about this soon}  How do I re-learn that I am good at things and she is wrong?  How do I break her control over me?
  • Am I afraid of having those things I dream for?  If so, why?
As you can see, I have a lot to think about.  Right now I think it is making things harder on me; but if I stick it out, answer these questions, and heal, I am sure I will be much better because of it.  I need to work through these hang ups so I can be healed and not have them subconsciously bringing me down every day.
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