Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Is This Normal?

I feel like such a failure.  I am so depressed and I really don't have reason to be.  At least I don't think I do.  Sure, I had a shitty childhood, but who didn't?  I was raped and neglected but so many children are and I didn't live in poverty or starve for food.  In fact I had just about any material thing I wanted, I think because my dad felt guilty about leaving me home alone all the time while he was traveling and my mom worked.

My pregnancy was difficult.  I was in pain from week 4-35 when I was induced.  I had gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia but lots of mother's to be do too.  My delivery was not like I planned it at all.  I had wanted water birth (which my facility does, but not for "high risk").  Instead I got 2 days of non-medicated labor with pitocin and then a c-section, after my baby had a hole poked through his skull for monitoring, because I failed to progress.  Most hospital labors end in c-section now a days though so I really shouldn't be so hung up about it.  I have a completely healthy son.  I just can't get past the fact that my child wasn't born, he was surgically removed.  But then I think of the moms who have children with birth defects and who lose their children during childbirth and I think how selfish I am.  I almost died while in labor but I didn't.  They fixed my blood pressure in time and other than some heart racing and puking, I was fine.

My son refused to breast feed, but many kids do.  I was adopted and never breast fed.  I have allergies but am otherwise okay I guess.  I do have a gallbladder problem... along with most of the US because of the crap we eat.  I'll likely have a day surgery, have it removed, recoup for a couple weeks and then be just fine.  It seems so simple but it is still stressful and extremely painful when an attack happens.  Now that they are happening with more than tomatoes I have to cut out all fatty foods which includes cheese.  EVERYTHING I eat has cheese in it.  I now get to eat cereal and salad.  That's it.  I could have fish but I don't want any.  When I cook it for my husband I get sick to my stomach.  Guess that changed with pregnancy... used to like fish before I got pregnant.  I told my husband I feel like I'm in jail and he joked back that they eat better than that.  I almost lost it right there in Wal-mart.

I might be having another surgery later on.  I might have to have my perfectly healthy, remaining, ovary and breasts removed because every woman in my family except my birth mom has had breast cancer, several died from it.  Even if my BRCA test is negative, that is a REALLY high rate for one family.  I wouldn't be surprised if my birth mom gets cancer in less than 10 years.  They all got it around 40-50 years old.  Oh and this BRCA test?  In the civilian world you have to undergo several counseling sessions before they approve you and people walk you through this very scary process.  In the Army they send you for a blood draw and tell you your results when they come in.  When I went to get more information about this very sensitive test, the SGT was even rude to me about it.  He made me feel like an idiot.

Do people deal with all this from day to day or is this over and above the normal stress?  It just seems to me like it's not that bad.  There are so many people who deal with so much more and most days do it with a smile.  How hard is it to stay home all day, do the dishes, take care of the baby (who btw is a really good baby), and have dinner ready at 5? 

We've touched on some things I learned in my childhood that is defining me as an adult and making me doubt myself and become depressed.  My husband keeps telling me to put it behind me, it's in the past after all and nothing can be done about it.  He's right that I am only upset because I let it make me upset.  But every time he says that I feel like such a failure because I can't just deal with it.  It's not that bad.  The pregnancy sucked but I have a healthy boy and didn't miscarry.  The birth sucked but again, healthy, live son.  I'm sick...but it's an easy surgery and I'll be fine.  And no one knows if I'll get cancer... it's just a likely possibility I don't even need to worry about for at least a year, because even if the test is positive, I'm not having the surgery until we have another child.

So then why the hell can't I just feed and change the baby, put in on the floor and in his jumper to play, do the dishes and laundry, and have dinner ready?  I want to cry, wallow, drink, smoke, cut myself (not the life threatening kind...the kind to just feel physical pain instead of emotional for a few minutes)... but for some reason I don't want to take prescription drugs.  I'm afraid of those side effects again.  Last time it made it worse.  If it does it again I might become suicidal and I do NOT want to be suicidal.  I'll ask my Dr about getting a scrip when I go in next about my gallbladder.  I really hate the idea of taking this drug and being "all better".  I won't be all better.  My brain imbalance will be better.  The things making me depressed will still be there, I just won't perceive them.  Maybe that's the best I can do.  Maybe I can't fix anything or put anything behind me and I just need to ignore it with medication.  I just don't believe that is a healthy thing to do.  How is ignoring it with meds any different from drinking (besides the liver thing)?
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