Bob Ross Therapy

I've had a bit of a rough day today.  Questioning my worth as a mom, wife, homemaker and person today...  I overhauled the whole house in anger today.  It looks pretty nice; I got some boxes unpacked and put away; I corralled my crafting materials and LB's baby toys in their own areas of the house finally.  Still, I was angry and hurt.  I decided I needed some Bob Ross Therapy.  I needed some happy little trees in the floor of the forest.  I need to make friends with the clouds and give them names.  I needed to hear his calm voice and watch his blank canvas turn into an amazing work of art in 30 minutes flat.  I am feeling a bit better now.

Oh Happy Day!

I'm almost under 200lbs!!!  Take a look for yourself here!  See?!  So, without further ado...

You're Invited!!!

I weighed in today and wouldn't you know it?  I am only 13lbs away from being UNDER 200lbs!  At the rate I've been losing, I think I will be throwing my party by August!  I hope you'll come and party with me.  If you would like, you can grab my party button from the bottom of this post to help spread the word!  It will encourage me to keep working toward my goal if I know people are raring and waiting for my Under 200 Pounds Party!  {Hmmm I should think up a better name for it... lol}






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Feel Good Friday {A Day Late}

I'm a bit late posting this... but I don't think you'll mind when you see the subject this week.  Teehee!

PUPPIES, and KITTENS, and BABY ANIMALS Oh My!

These are what make me smile, giddy, happy on those days when the rain clouds loom overhead.

First we'll begin with our candidates for the puppy DH and I plan to buy:

The Chow Chow

The Pomeranian {with a kickin' haircut!}

Wrinkles galore! Shar Peis

And our forerunner.. the Shiba Inu {Think mini Akita}

Then we'll move on to pictures of Shadow as a kitten:

Shadow and his brother Pinkie in a kitty Ying Yang

Shadow's sister Tiger Lily

Shadow learning to play!

And finally... random adorable baby animals!

Thursday Five

I am just plain Happy today.

I am Delighted that Little Bit is developing so well!

I am Grateful that I am healing quickly.

I am Totally Stoked when my hubby gets to come home from work early.

I am Thankful for my family.

Friday Fun!

It's time for Friday Fun!  Please hop on over to my dear host(esse)s' blogs and give them some love!

If you are new here, Welcome!  I'm Jeannette!

At One Day At a Time you will find my journey to a happier, healthier me.  I am on the road to shedding that harmful baggage that has been thrown at me over the years and I chose to hold on to.  Piece by piece I am literally throwing (or donating) it all away.  I have been seeing a counselor for a few months now and have donated or thrown out over 50lbs of stuff from my past that was sitting in the house.  I got a new hair cut and color and am feeling great!  Now I just need to keep up this good work I've been doing in my emotional life.  You'll find honest and open posts here about my day to day emotional roller coaster.  I also post about my past as I learn to put it behind me.

I am who I am because of my past, but I will be who I am becoming because of the decisions I make today!

Some of my most meaningful posts are:

• Validation
• Feelin' Good Today
• My Broken Filter
• What My Mom Taught Me
• Where's My Gold Star?!
  

If you are an old friend, welcome back love!  I am so glad to see you again.  

Validation

I worked really hard to prepare the house for my mom's visit.  I was having surgery in 3 days and she was coming to help take care of Little Bit so DH could take care of me.  I'm not allowed to lift more than 15lbs for the next three weeks and LB more than exceeds that limitation.  So here I was cleaning and straightening the house instead of resting and preparing for abdominal surgery.  I should have been laying in bed catching up on my sleep instead of unpacking boxes, packing an overnight bag for the hospital instead of scrubbing floors and toilets.

The last time my mom visited we had been in our house for 2 months, during which time I was very much pregnant {and supposed to be bed-ridden} and underwent an extremely difficult labor.  I was recovering from a c-section and suffering from PPD.  My son wouldn't nurse, my husband was recovering from wrist surgery that could very well end his career, and my mom thought I ought to be busy unpacking boxes.  Needless to say, I was more stressed by the time my parents left than before they came to "help out".  For the record, my dad was a huge help.  My mom helped too, but begrudgingly and muttering beneath her breath the whole while.

This time I was determined to show her!  I am a good wife, a good mom, a good housekeeper, despite what she thinks or says!  So I wore myself out cleaning the house up to the minute we left to pick her up from the airport.  I was going to prove my worth whether she would acknowledge it or not.  I was soon to be very surprised... and pleasantly so.

Upon arriving back at the house she commented on how nice the house looked, how beautifully I had decorated it, and specifically how clean and uncluttered the bathroom was.  She mentioned how she wished hers was as clean and simple as mine.  There!  That right there caught me completely off guard.  Not only had my mom complimented me on having a nice home, she actually said I kept mine better than her!  I was flabbergasted, and a bit confused.  I was overjoyed.  The next day I went in for surgery.  Upon arriving home she has complimented my housekeeping and caring for LB several times.  She hasn't demanded anything of me and she joyfully cares for LB while I rest or catch up on my schoolwork.  She had cooked three meals without demanding I get in the kitchen to help her.  I am not sure what caused this change of heart in my mom but her attitude of giving is so much better than in the past.  I can tell she if giving out of love now, instead of expecting a return on her efforts.

That isn't the only source of validation however.  In fact, her approval has been quite insignificant compared to the changes occurring within myself.  I first noticed it when my mom and DH were running around, frantically trying to calm LB down.  Normally DH would have no problem doing so but LB had his first tooth just about to erupt.  I watched them struggle to calm the poor little guy and then realized, I really am a good mom.  I know just what to do to ease his pain and it worked.  He wanted his mommy to cuddle and kiss away the achiness and tears.  Then I began to notice LB's clothes strewn all over the place, toys scattered on the floors and counter tops, blankets flung here and here.  It looked like a small tornado had ripped through our house on the heels of LB and grandma.  As I walked around, picking them all up and straightening the house behind my mother's trail, I thought to myself, I really am a good housekeeper... a much better one than my mom for sure.  Not that it's her fault, she just isn't that kind of person, but she always nagged and yelled at me to keep things neat and organized when she didn't do it herself.  That always caused a lot of resentment for me, but I don't feel that way any more.  Just in these last couple of days, seeing that I truly am the expert to my household, I no longer feel the need to validate myself by others' standards.  I am validated by my own.

Surgery Update

My surgery went well.  He was able to remove my gallbladder laproscopically which means I have 4 cuts about an inch in length each and my heal time will be about 1 month.  There were no complications.  He is concerned about my increased liver enzymes but I have been sent home to rest.  I'll be tested again in two weeks to make sure they have dropped.  If not, then I'll just need some antibiotics.  I am doing well.  I'm in minimal pain.  I just took some medication so I'm going to go rest.  I just wanted to post and let y'all know I was home and it all went well.  Thank you for all your loving thoughts and prayers.  I had no fear during the whole procedure.  I should be back to blogging full strength by the end of the week.  If I can't sleep I might be online before then... but with narcotics I don't think that will be an issue lol.  Night night lovelies!

My Blog Has Substance

Yenta Mary over at Food Floozie thinks that I have a blog with substance!

Thank you so much for my very first award!  

It means the world to me that you think my blog has substance.

I have had so many lovely comments since beginning this blog.  My journey through depression to a healthier, happier me is still a long road ahead, but with all the support I have gotten I know I'll make it through with minimal pain or detour.  Yenta Mary has been one of those kind commenters from the very start.  We've even carried on an e-mail conversation outside of the blog.  Her loving kindness and thoughtfulness toward my healing has been such a help on those down days.  Thank you for being such a good friend.

Go check out her amazing food blog here:
You will not be disappointed!

The Rules:

• Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.
• Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words.
• Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

My Blogging Philosophy and Motivation:

Honesty, Compassion, Healing, Sharing, Friends

The blogs I think have real substance:

1. Scrapping Servant
2. Life with the Lebedas
3. The Girl Next Door Grows Up
4. The Mama Trials
5. Mother of Pearl It Is
6. Scrappy Gifts
7. Santa's Gift Shoppe
8. His Wife and Their Mommy
9. My Life As A Grandma
10. More Than a Mom

Congrats and keep those posts coming.  You have so much to offer this thing called the blogosphere.  Each one of your blogs has really touched and inspired me in some way and it's an honor to call myself your friend.

Feelin' Good Today!

I am feeling really good today!  I hope it's not the manic to my depression... but we'll just have to wait and see.  I got my hair done today.  It looks great!  I went to a salon instead of the Wal-mart cutting place and treated myself.  It wasn't the poshest place, but it was nice.  I didn't get to relax too much because I was worried I'd have a gallbladder attack while I was out and away from my pills and heating pad.  I did get my hair washed, cut and styled though.  She cut quite a bit off and it didn't look any different to me.  I've had it in a pony tail for nearly a year so I guess in my mind's eye it was still shoulder length.  In reality it was mid-back.  No wonder it was heavy.  I think I was getting headaches.  Anywho, she cut it, layered it and razored it to thin it out some.  It looks good... but don't just take my word for it.  See?  {It's not as cute as the stylish had made it, but I'll post a new one tomorrow. And please excuse the mommy marks... I was posing for weight loss pictures.}

Then DH and I went out to dinner.  LB tagged along too.  He ordered the Similac while DH ordered the prime rib and I the halibut caesar salad.  It was really yummy.  I wanted dessert but I was worried it would be too fatty so we decided just to box up my leftovers and go for a stroll.  The restaurant sits out onto the river.  It was a beautiful and cool night tonight.  I even got to dip my toes in the river, finally!  It is still so cold that you can die of hypothermia in two minutes if you fell in, but it was nice to stick my foot in for a moment.  I can't wait until we can go swimming in it!

Finally we came home and I took a nice long, hot bath.  We bought a lighter in May for my birthday cake so I was actually able to have a candlelit bath instead of a night-light one lol.  Then I wrapped myself in my brand new bath sheet.  It's like a gigantic bath towel.  I love it!  I decided I would check the scale even though I know I'm a little heavy from our big dinner and guess what?!  I lost over 2lbs!  My body fat % is down too!  I am so excited.  *squeal!*  DH took some new pictures of me in roughly the same outfit as before so I can draw comparisons.  I'll post those on my weight loss blog tonight or tomorrow.  I am kinda wanting to get in the living room with him and read a romance novel.  I'm feeling sexy today!  Oh and shhhh don't tell the hubby... but I am going back to the salon tomorrow to have my hair dyed....red!  It's too dark to have it lightened back to red... so we're just gonna dye it.  I can't wait!  I miss my red hair.  All the women in my family had vibrant red hair until about 20 and then it turns dark brown.  Blah!

I was telling DH... maybe I don't need the antidepressants.  We'll see.  I'm going to keep my appointment in case my mood drops again before Wednesday.

I'm a Hoarder

Not that kind of hoarder...

This kind....

Clothes and Papers... That's me being embarrassed btw...

I'm not sure if it's more of a need to keep things so much as a laziness in not getting rid of it.  When I do actually sit down and purge things I have no trouble tossing them or giving them away... I just don't want to sit down and do it.  It just seems like the piles of paper goods keep adding up.  I need to sort through mail next to the trash can, that would help a lot!

Right now I would classify it as clutter but I definitely do not want it to get out of control!  Here is a pretty good article I found about Overcoming Hoarding.  It has some good advice for people with chronic clutter, like myself, too.
______________________________________

Hoarding can take years to overcome, says Dr. David Tolin, director of the Anxiety Disorders Center at the Institute of Living at Hartford Hospital. He offers these tips to those who may be feeling overwhelmed by the task of cleaning their homes.

1. Not being able to think of a use for an object doesn't mean you need to keep it.
Dr. David Tolin suggests: "The question to ask yourself is not whether you can use the object, but whether you really will use the object. A good rule of thumb is that if you haven't used an object in over a year—say, you didn't even know it was there until you found it on the bottom of a pile—you probably can live without it."

2. More is not necessarily better.
"There's really no need for most of us to have, say, two microwave ovens, or three bicycles," Dr. Tolin says. "Try to get rid of the extras."

3. Categorize items into piles.
For example, you might make a pile of things to keep, a pile of things to donate to charity, a pile of things to sell or give away and a pile of things to throw away. "Don't make too many piles," Dr. Tolin says. "Having to decide among 10 piles just slows you down and strains your thought processes."

4. Don't overthink.
"If you have to go through a long and complicated decision-making process for each and every item before you get rid of it, you'll never get free of the clutter," Dr. Tolin says. "Most decisions are not that complicated. If you find that the decision takes you more than a couple of minutes for a particular object, you are probably making it too complicated."

5. Learn to get past some of the imperfections—it's okay to make mistakes.

"You don't have to do a perfect job," Dr. Tolin says. "Just a good enough job."

6. Follow the "OHIO" rule: Only handle it once.
"If you pick something up, make a decision about it and then put it somewhere it belongs," Dr. Tolin says. "If you find yourself handling things again and again, moving things from one pile to another, stop yourself. Refocus and move on."

7. Be brave.
"Beating compulsive hoarding requires you to face things that are very scary," Dr. Tolin says. "I can't tell you not to be scared, because you can't really control that. But you can be brave. Be willing to face your fears. Be willing to risk making the wrong decision. The people who gain the most are usually the people who are willing to risk the most."

8. Understand what you're afraid of, and recognize when your fears are irrational."Ask yourself: What's the worst that can happen if I throw this out? And how bad would that really be? If you're not sure whether your fear is irrational, try an experiment. Try making a specific prediction about what will happen if you discard an object. Then discard it, and really look to see whether that bad thing happened."

9. Be patient.
"No one is going to overcome compulsive hoarding overnight. This is a time-consuming process," Dr. Tolin says. "So people with hoarding problems, and their friends and family members too, need to focus on small victories. If you cleaned a room out, congratulate yourself, rather than get down on yourself for the rooms you haven't cleaned yet."

10. Keep the ball rolling.
Clean things as they come along, before they become overwhelming problems. "Once you've started, don't stop, even for a day," Dr. Tolin says. "If all you can do is five minutes a day, fine. But do it."

11. Be strict with yourself.
"When we were kids, our moms told us that we couldn't have dessert until we ate our veggies," Dr. Tolin says. "The same rule applies here. If you like watching TV, then promise yourself that you can only watch an hour of TV after you've cleaned for an hour."

12. Know when to ask for help.
"Compulsive hoarding is a potentially serious mental health issue," Dr. Tolin says. "Serious mental health issues require serious treatment. If you can do it on your own, great. But if you can't, get help from someone who is experienced in the treatment of compulsive hoarding."

Some of this information was adapted by Dr. David Tolin from Steketee & Frost (2003), Clinical Psychology Review, 23, 905-927.

Phew!

I'm feeling better having written that and asking DH to read it.  I just wanted to write and let you know I am feeling loads lighter and to tell you I have something special planned for tomorrow.  It's a meme I am hoping will be a big hit.  Not because I'll have my name on tons of blogs, in fact this meme doesn't have my blog name on it purposely.  Nope, I'm hoping it's a huge hit so that tons of bloggers are strengthened through it.  Did I whet your palate?  Goooood.  See you tomorrow!

PS  I saw that I forgot, again, to post about my little therapy book.  I really shouldn't blog on narcotics... lol It was fun re-reading that post just now.  I'll get to it soon, I promise.

Is This Normal?

I feel like such a failure.  I am so depressed and I really don't have reason to be.  At least I don't think I do.  Sure, I had a shitty childhood, but who didn't?  I was raped and neglected but so many children are and I didn't live in poverty or starve for food.  In fact I had just about any material thing I wanted, I think because my dad felt guilty about leaving me home alone all the time while he was traveling and my mom worked.

My pregnancy was difficult.  I was in pain from week 4-35 when I was induced.  I had gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia but lots of mother's to be do too.  My delivery was not like I planned it at all.  I had wanted water birth (which my facility does, but not for "high risk").  Instead I got 2 days of non-medicated labor with pitocin and then a c-section, after my baby had a hole poked through his skull for monitoring, because I failed to progress.  Most hospital labors end in c-section now a days though so I really shouldn't be so hung up about it.  I have a completely healthy son.  I just can't get past the fact that my child wasn't born, he was surgically removed.  But then I think of the moms who have children with birth defects and who lose their children during childbirth and I think how selfish I am.  I almost died while in labor but I didn't.  They fixed my blood pressure in time and other than some heart racing and puking, I was fine.

My son refused to breast feed, but many kids do.  I was adopted and never breast fed.  I have allergies but am otherwise okay I guess.  I do have a gallbladder problem... along with most of the US because of the crap we eat.  I'll likely have a day surgery, have it removed, recoup for a couple weeks and then be just fine.  It seems so simple but it is still stressful and extremely painful when an attack happens.  Now that they are happening with more than tomatoes I have to cut out all fatty foods which includes cheese.  EVERYTHING I eat has cheese in it.  I now get to eat cereal and salad.  That's it.  I could have fish but I don't want any.  When I cook it for my husband I get sick to my stomach.  Guess that changed with pregnancy... used to like fish before I got pregnant.  I told my husband I feel like I'm in jail and he joked back that they eat better than that.  I almost lost it right there in Wal-mart.

I might be having another surgery later on.  I might have to have my perfectly healthy, remaining, ovary and breasts removed because every woman in my family except my birth mom has had breast cancer, several died from it.  Even if my BRCA test is negative, that is a REALLY high rate for one family.  I wouldn't be surprised if my birth mom gets cancer in less than 10 years.  They all got it around 40-50 years old.  Oh and this BRCA test?  In the civilian world you have to undergo several counseling sessions before they approve you and people walk you through this very scary process.  In the Army they send you for a blood draw and tell you your results when they come in.  When I went to get more information about this very sensitive test, the SGT was even rude to me about it.  He made me feel like an idiot.

Do people deal with all this from day to day or is this over and above the normal stress?  It just seems to me like it's not that bad.  There are so many people who deal with so much more and most days do it with a smile.  How hard is it to stay home all day, do the dishes, take care of the baby (who btw is a really good baby), and have dinner ready at 5? 

We've touched on some things I learned in my childhood that is defining me as an adult and making me doubt myself and become depressed.  My husband keeps telling me to put it behind me, it's in the past after all and nothing can be done about it.  He's right that I am only upset because I let it make me upset.  But every time he says that I feel like such a failure because I can't just deal with it.  It's not that bad.  The pregnancy sucked but I have a healthy boy and didn't miscarry.  The birth sucked but again, healthy, live son.  I'm sick...but it's an easy surgery and I'll be fine.  And no one knows if I'll get cancer... it's just a likely possibility I don't even need to worry about for at least a year, because even if the test is positive, I'm not having the surgery until we have another child.

So then why the hell can't I just feed and change the baby, put in on the floor and in his jumper to play, do the dishes and laundry, and have dinner ready?  I want to cry, wallow, drink, smoke, cut myself (not the life threatening kind...the kind to just feel physical pain instead of emotional for a few minutes)... but for some reason I don't want to take prescription drugs.  I'm afraid of those side effects again.  Last time it made it worse.  If it does it again I might become suicidal and I do NOT want to be suicidal.  I'll ask my Dr about getting a scrip when I go in next about my gallbladder.  I really hate the idea of taking this drug and being "all better".  I won't be all better.  My brain imbalance will be better.  The things making me depressed will still be there, I just won't perceive them.  Maybe that's the best I can do.  Maybe I can't fix anything or put anything behind me and I just need to ignore it with medication.  I just don't believe that is a healthy thing to do.  How is ignoring it with meds any different from drinking (besides the liver thing)?