A Little Prayer

Could we take just a moment and say a prayer for Japan and all those in the pacific region who are suffering from this earthquake and tsunamis?  Let us pray and meditate on their safety over the next few days.  Let the emergency relief personnel find all those who might be trapped alive.  Let them stay safe in rescuing the stranded.  Let the healing and rebuilding come smoothly for the people effected.  Let God's love show through this tragedy.

Thank you.  I have a very good friend stationed in Okinawa and when I heard last night, at nearly midnight here, that the earthquake had been the largest recorded my heart skipped a beat.  Thankfully he was logged online and after a few agonizing minutes he responded that he had felt nothing.  As you may have read, the earthquake hit mainland Japan.  He is alright, and it looks as though our military men and women in Hawaii will be fine too, but the people of Japan and any Americans visiting there are going to be healing for quite some time after this natural disaster.  Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

A New Look

I decided to give this blog a new look.  I've been doing some blog designs this week and thought I'd make a free background to post on my design blog.  I liked it so much that I decided it should go on this blog.  I think it's pretty cheery don't you?  Pretty soon here I'll be getting a new look myself.  I plan on getting my hair and nails done.  I'm thinking about getting a perm.  I like my hair in curls and it makes it easy to manage in the mornings when LB is demanding his breakfast and the dog needs to go out NOW! lol 

As for my nails, I think I'll stick to a simple painted french manicure.  My nails are long enough, although fairly brittle this winter, and it makes them look polished without having to worry if they match the outfit I'm wearing that day.  Having my toenails painted always makes me feel dainty and feminine.  DH painted them for me once while I was pregnant.  That was a real treat, but sadly he doesn't have the skill to paint french tips.  It was actually really funny watching him paint my toenails.  In true guy fashion he painted them like he was painting a wall.  It makes me laugh just thinking about it.  Awwww... okay, back to what I was saying.  Oh yeah, my new blog designs.  I'm working on some more free backgrounds and even full templates so if you are interested in grabbing one you should check out my new blog, Crafty Hippo Designs, and give it a follow.  I'll be updating it weekly with more freebies.

A Look Inside Who I Am

A couple of days ago I miscarried my fourth pregnancy.  Granted there were several silver linings to it; I knew this one wasn't viable because I had absolutely no pregnancy symptoms, I didn't really feel mentally prepared for a second baby, not being pregnant means I can continue losing weight so I don't have to worry about preeclampsia and gestational diabetes when I do become pregnant again, and we have our son so this one wasn't as devastating as the the others... but it is still a sad thing.  I had already nicknamed this baby Pumpkin and had been dreaming of pink headbands and frilly dresses just in case it was a girl.  We had thought up names for the baby no matter what sex it turned out to be.  But listening to me in the ER while they told me I was to lose this baby and reading my subsequent blog posts... you'd never know I was hurting.

I was thinking about it yesterday and to everyone except my husband I seem like the most happy, calm, and understanding person in the world.  But really, I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, worry about EVERY SINGLE THING, and constantly worry about what others think and feel.  DH says it's because I'm a giver and I want to make others happy, even at my own expense.  I just don't understand how I can be so calm and understanding for everyone but myself.  If I can pretend to smile long enough, I find that before long I am actually smiling... why can't I do the same with my own emotions?

Blah Thanksgiving

I'm a bit bummed today.  First, I was trying to sleep last night and kept remembering my miscarriage on Nov 25, 2002.  It was a very traumatic event and there is one thing about it that I wish I'd have done differently.  There is nothing I could have done to stop it, and as far as that baby and my life are concerned, it is best she wasn't born.  Miscarriages almost always happen because there is something wrong with the fetus and it would not be able to survive even if it were to continue and be born.  Even knowing that... it still hurts.

Then I wake up this morning from a nightmare.  That is never a good way to start the day.  I did however lose some weight this week.  Not a whole pound, but I still have two days before I have to weigh in.  I have been eating fairly well.  I just need to incorporate some exercise.  I'd probably feel better emotionally if I did too...

Finally, and the thing that prompted me to write this entry, we are not celebrating Thanksgiving today.  It is just DH and I (LB doesn't eat table food yet) so there was no point in cooking a whole lot of food.  We had planned on having filet mignon as our own little tradition until we have a family large enough to cook a feast for... but the roads have been closed for nearly a week now and we haven't gotten to the store.  We are going out for shopping at 0400 tomorrow morning so there is no point in getting out on the roads today just to pick up one thing from a store we'll be visiting tomorrow anyways.  I suggested we go out to see a movie but DH would rather just stay in.  He isn't very fond of movies to begin with and the roads are still kinda icy.  I guess I'm just sorta bummed because, even though it isn't my favorite part of the year, I am just kinda used to spending holidays with my family.  I was hoping to continue that with my new family.

I think I'll bundle up in my winter gear and go for a walk around the neighborhood.  We are moving on post next week and I can't wait!  We'll have sidewalks and won't be on a main road.  Right now it is a bit dangerous to be walking out on the street by our house.  People like to speed around the corner where we live and with the roads so icy they normally skid.  I don't feel safe taking LB out in that.  Next week though we will be able to walk through our entire neighborhood knowing we are safe from cars.  It's not a big neighborhood, but there are two main streets to it that should be at least 1/2 a mile to the end and back.  Hopefully some cool winter air will do me some good.  Time to go get bundled up.

Major Stress

Today is not starting out well.  I had to call our ticket airline and make sure we wouldn't be harassed by their attendants for bringing LB's car seat on board like I have heard from several women who flew out of our airport on this airline.  The lady I talked to last night was not reassuring at all saying that "the stewardesses don't like car seats on the plane anyways" and "If you put a seat belt on him it is just as good."  Well first off, I don't give a damn what your flight attendants like or not.  When the safety of my child is concerned, I will choose him over your convenience any time.  And secondly... seriously?!  You think you can strap a 1 year old into an airplane seat belt and he won't crawl out of it, or fly out of it in heavy turbulence?  Right...

The man I talked to today knew the airline policies (as they are stated online) and reassured me that if there is a seat open (because my parents won't buy LB a ticket) we can bring his car seat on the plane.  The first 4 hour flight is completely full... I hope we don't get hassled.  This whole trip is stressing me out.

LB has been screaming all morning because I'm not preparing his bottle fast enough for his liking.  When I got off the phone and he was still screaming I yelled at him.  He has no idea why I am upset, and truthfully I don't think he is old enough to know that screaming is not an acceptable means of asking for something.  But I couldn't stop myself from getting angry.  To top that off, he is almost one year old and I'm feeling pressured to have him eating finger foods and mushed table food.  He can't even eat a soaked cheerio without choking and throwing up.  He is not going to be eating ground up ham or turkey for Christmas but my mom is going to insist that he does.  I do not want to deal with that!

This whole trip is stressing me out but we have to go.  I asked DH last night if he wanted to stay home, but he said we need to get down to see his grandparents.  It may be our last chance to see them and LB's only chance to meet them.  I just don't want to deal with my mom's opinions on LB's eating and walking.  I feel like I am constantly defending myself with her and it is so tiring.  I wish she would just keep it to herself and bitch to her friends about how horrible a mother I am if she feels the need (which I'm sure she does).  She is constantly telling me what someone at her office thinks about LB's eating and crawling (before he learned at 8 months) so obviously she is telling them she thinks he is behind or that I am doing something wrong.  I don't give a damn what they or she thinks but having to listen to it all the time is draining.  I never call her anymore and now she worries that something is wrong with me.

We found out a few days ago that baby number two, Pumpkin, is on the way.  We are not telling our families.  I don't want any more stress.  In fact, I shouldn't be stressing out at all but I just feel like all this pressure is on me... even though I don't agree with their ideas.  I just don't want to hear it anymore!  Oh, and I've told them not to mention it anymore... they still do.  What else can I do?  How can I relax when I know we have to go on this trip?

{EDIT} I just got off the phone with DH.  He is so wonderful!  He told me to sit on the couch (now that LB is napping), drink some water, then lay on the floor and do some gentle stretches.  He said that we are going to see his grandparents so they can meet their only great grandson and everyone else (including my mom) are just lucky to see us.  We are traveling down there as a courtesy to them and they had better be thankful we came so they can see LB.   It's good to hear that from someone else and to know I'm not being a heartless, selfish person.

Now, how can we make this trip fun instead of stressful?

Complete Emotional Wreck

This had better be PMS and not a baby on the way!  I can not stop crying!  Granted, it has been a rough couple of days.  I literally packed up and either threw out or donated my past and I still have more to go through.  My son is now learning to sleep sans binkie because I am sick of watching him purposefully throw it out of his crib and then cry about it.  Before I figured he was just young and testing the physics around him... but now, when we catch him playing with cords he throws them down and looks up at us like "They jumped into my mouth I swear!"  That little boy is learning right from wrong now and he knows we know!

So I had an emotional day, kissing away (sometimes literally) my past.  My husband is preparing for his upcoming deployment at work and he is stressed to the brim.  And LB is no longer allowed the comfort of his binkie after having thrown it AT me yesterday.  I got very little sleep last night.  I suppose that is reason enough to cry... but the catch is, things like this don't normally make me cry.  And especially not to the extent that I have been crying these last two days.  I am a complete emotional wreck.

For example, this video is HILARIOUS!  But... it had me laughing and bawling...
See?  Why should that make me cry?  I have no earthly idea.  It wouldn't normally make me cry.  I have to wait until next Thursday (Veteran's Day no less) to see if we are expecting or if I can go back on the dreaded birth control until DH leaves.  I am not looking forward to the depression that brings, but I also know full well I would be hard pressed to survive another postpartum depression without DH here to hold me and tell me its okay and remind me that I am a good wife and mother.

Emotional Release or Breakdown?

I just lost it... I mean weeping, screaming lost it.  I unpacked four boxes of clothes today which means I packed up three boxes of clothes to be donated.  I figured it would be an emotional experience and I have to admit, I did kiss some away that meant a lot to me but I knew I'd never wear again.  It wasn't until nearly five hours later, after listening to my son scream himself to sleep because we took his binkie today, that I lost it.  I collapsed into bed and sobbed uncontrollably.

I hate to see what happens when I drop it off at the goodwill...  Wish me luck.  I'm going to need it.  Any likely some prayers.